“People always say that we can’t have gay marriage because marriage is a sacred institution that happens in the church. It’s sacred? Get the fuck outta here! Gay people have as much of a right to be miserable as everybody else!” – Chris Rock
Perhaps truer words have never been spoken.
Now for the better part of a decade, the issue of gay marriage has been a hot button issue in elections and just all around in general. We’ve heard all the arguments for and against and as a result of this impassioned debate, we have seen a historic turning of the tide to the side in support of gay marriage. It seems that every few weeks, another state recognizes this fundamental right for the people or another public figure, be it celebrity or politician, comes out publicly in favor of gay marriage.
And as a history geek, I love that I’ve had the privilege of living through this historic period. I have loved watching some good friends feel the joy of getting their relationships recognized as equal by government after government and citizen after citizen. However, again as a history geek, this is not enough.
Not even close.
I will not be satisfied until every government and every citizen recognizes the equal rights of our gay brothers and sisters. Nor should you be satisfied with anything less.
You may be thinking that there is no way to convince everyone and that we should be happy with the rapid progress that has already taken place. You may be thinking that since all arguments have been heard, “the ball is in the air” so to speak, and we just have to wait it out. But I disagree because I am an optimist.
And I have the argument that you have not heard and it will convince EVERYONE who is left on the other side of the fence.
And my argument is not about any legal precedent. Nor will I bore you with another argument about equality and justice or the United States Constitution.
No, my good friends.
My argument is about something much more important.
My argument is about porn.
You see, the other night I’m in my local adult book shop (I still love that term) looking for some porn. I’m minding my own business like I always do. I find my selections and I take them up to the register.
There is a dude on line in front of me. I pay him no mind. I assume that he is a lonely fellow like myself who is planning on going home and shall we say…enjoying his porn. Good for him. God bless him.
He steps aside. I step up and pay for my porn.
I love America.
I venture out to the parking lot. I get in my car and I start the car. I look over my shoulder, the road is clear and I make my u turn so I can return to the Long Island Expressway.
As I’m making my u turn, I see that same fellow waving his arm at me, flagging me down for some reason. Being the good Samaritan that I am, I pull over to him and roll down my window. I’m assuming that this nice fellow just needs directions back to the L.I.E. or something like that.
So I roll down my window and say, “What can I do for you, buddy?” He says, “Where are you going?” I politely respond, “Home.” This fellow says, “Do you want some company?”
Now I pride myself on having extremely good gadar (I’ve worked in NY theater for seven years). In fact, if I could pick out winning stocks as well as I can pick out closet homosexuals, I’d be a billionaire. But for some reason, I never saw this one coming.
He didn’t seem gay. He didn’t look gay. I didn’t pick up the gay vibe from him. I also never ventured into the gay section of the store, not even by accident. In addition, the selections I brought up to the register were not gay in the least. So I have no idea why this fellow decided I’d be a good candidate for a tryst.
Anyway, being caught completely off guard, I angrily responded, “No!”. And I rolled up my window and pulled away. But before I pulled away, I did notice the look on this fellow’s face. You know what? I’m tired of calling him “this fellow”. Let’s give him a name. Let’s call him Benedict XVII
I noticed a look on Benedict XVII’s face. He looked like all the life had been sucked out of his body. No more courage. No more horniness. It was all gone. He looked humiliated. He simply tucked his head down and motioned with his right hand for me to “move along”. Benedict XVII was going to try and hook up with someone else…or go home and cry. I don’t’ know.
First off, let me apologize to anyone in the gay community for my outburst. I feel terrible about humiliating Benedict XVII. It is not the first time I’ve been hit on by men. In fact, at a party in Hollywood a few years ago, I was hit on by an actor who has been in a very popular movie. I politely said to him, “Thanks, pal. I’m flattered, but I don’t go that route.” And that was the truth, I was flattered. Christ, it’s nice to know that someone wants to fuck me. Lord knows that no women do these days.
But I digress.
Anyway, my point is that this is the first time it’s been done at a sleazy environment like a porn store. I came to the store thinking that I would buy my porn in peace. I didn’t expect to be hit on by anyone, let alone a completely straight-acting man.
Benedict XVII looked straight, walked straight and acted straight. I would have never figured he was gay. I would bet anything that he either has a serious girlfriend or a wife. I would bet anything that this is a secret life he leads on the side that his significant other has no clue about.
And that is a tragedy. And that leads me to my point.
We are a very homophobic country. It’s a shame. Men like Benedict XVII, who are gay and were created gay by God etc., are still forced to hide who they are. As a result, they get into relationships with women, who they can never truly love, and then they are forced to live very secret lives. Very dangerous lives actually.
What if I was some sort of homophobic psycho who immediately jumped out of the car and beat Benedict XVII to shit? What if I was a Long Island redneck who said, “hey, man, meet me at my place,” and then had several buddies ready to beat this “faggot?”
This is sad and it must stop here.
If we would just allow people to be who they are, and to be who God etc. made them to be. None of this would happen. Think about all the broken hearts this would spare.
No women would ever be left for another man by their husbands.
No children will ever have to watch daddy run off with another man, or watch mom run off with another woman.
No gay man will ever have to worry about being beaten or humiliated when hitting on another man.
And, perhaps most importantly, no heterosexual man will ever have to worry about being disturbed when buying his porn. Just being in those stores is humiliation enough. I don’t need the extra worry of being hit on in a sleazy environment. If I wanted to be hit on in a sleazy environment, I’d hang out at a Catholic Rectory.
So if you are a heterosexual man and you are STILL against gay marriage, jump on board so we can shop for our porn in peace.
And if you are a heterosexual woman and you are STILL against gay marriage, jump on board because….well it’s just the right thing to do. I have to be honest, I’m not sure how my groundbreaking argument applies to heterosexual women but just trust me that it’s better.
So let’s legalize gay marriage everywhere tomorrow. It’s in all of our interests. They are just human beings who deserve the same rights as the rest of us.
Let’s make America stand for true equality for a change. Let’s lead the world in something other than obesity rates and whining.
Let’s lead the world in gay rights.
I think we can do it. I truly believe most of us, deep down, are in support of gay rights.
So let’s fight the good fight so that gays can be treated as equals.
And I can shop for my porn in peace. And so can you.
I am dead serious. Our future depends on it.
Perhaps that’s worth something.
Time will tell.
Until it does, all the best to you!!
ADDENDUM: You may be thinking that my argument is irrelevant because you can now shop online for porn. But you’re wrong. My argument is still relevant because online you have to use your credit card and that is dangerous because of identity theft. You should always shop for porn in person so that you cannot have your identity stolen. Therefore, we must legalize gay marriage so you can shop for porn in peace and not get your identity stolen.